Return to sobriety: how to stop drinking alcohol and never start again

Sobriety is a natural state of our body. And intoxication has no advantages at all. Do these words cause you to resist and want to argue with me? Then you should think about whether you may have a problem with alcohol.

I know what I’m talking about: I abused alcohol for over 10 years, but it took me a long time to realize that I was addicted. I had to get to a pretty deplorable state and make several attempts to quit to start changing something.

Today, November 30, marks the 5th anniversary of my sobriety. So I decided to summarize this experience. At the same time, I will share how I managed to stop drinking so that I would no longer “break down”. And most importantly, how it changed my life, relationships with people, leisure time, and ability to deal with stress.

You are not born an alcoholic, you become one

I didn’t drink much at school, but in my first year of mathematics, like many people, I started drinking. And by the second year it became a problem.

Did people around you notice this? More likely yes than no. At university, I had a girlfriend who thought I drank too much. But I brushed it off: no, they do drink, I only drink on weekends, I only drink in companies… in general, I was in complete denial.

Over time, I began to realize that I had an abnormal relationship with alcohol. Once, after a meeting, I was getting on a train, quite drunk, in a compartment car. I was yelled at and kicked out of the compartment by a girl who also had a seat there – she demanded that the conductor “take this drunk somewhere else.”

It was wildly offensive. Maybe, of course, I have a drinking problem, but what kind of drunkard am I? Besides, I was very quiet when drunk and always just slept on the shelf. At the time, I underestimated the discomfort of my company in the form of overdrinking and heavy breathing and did not think how uncomfortable it could be for a woman to travel in a compartment with a man who had been drinking.

There were many other offensive, strange, and simply ridiculous incidents. A couple of times I almost got hit by cars while walking home, injured by drunken falls. He canceled important meetings in the morning because he had been drinking the night before. He once slept through a plane ride home from Dnipro after a “strike”. There were regular hard-drinking vacations, where the days were compressed to the gap between a hangover and blackout. And, of course, there was the constant story of spending X hryvnia in a bar and ending up spending 3X.

Shortly before I quit, I was leaving the afterparty for the hotel and went to the 24 Hours store, where they always sold everything to everyone without time limits. But they didn’t sell me alcohol because I was too drunk.

It hit me hard at the time because I thought I was adequate!

But it was not easy to reflect on my addiction and realize that I had to quit. I worked and hung out in a digital environment where constant drinking was the norm, and my stories could be told while drinking and not be judged. And everyone would remember more: “Oh, come on, I had a cooler case.” And I had worse cases too. And this is not just not the norm. When you open your eyes to it yourself, it’s shocking how abnormal it is.

I was actively using for 12 years, and for eight of those years I realized that I was addicted, but I couldn’t do anything about it.

The final decision to quit did not come instantly – it was a gradual process. It included several attempts to “quit”, unfortunately, unsuccessful – and this only confirmed that I had a problem.

How I realized I was an alcoholic

There are official criteria for alcohol (and any other) addiction that have been defined by the World Health Organization.

If a person has three or more symptoms from this list, they probably have an addiction problem and need to seek help from a specialist.

Here are the criteria for addiction syndrome:

• A strong desire, an irresistible craving to take a substance.
• It is difficult to control your behavior related to taking a substance – for example, to stop in time.
• If you stop taking the substance on a regular basis, withdrawal symptoms occur, which have mental and/or physiological manifestations.
• Tolerance develops – increasingly larger doses of the substance are needed to get the desired effect.
• Because of the use, a person begins to neglect other things: work, entertainment, communication with other people – devoting more and more time to their addiction.
• As the addiction progresses, negative consequences for a person’s life occur. It can be both harm to health and social consequences – loss of work, family, etc.

I started making attempts to quit when I clearly noticed three symptoms from this list:

1. I drank a lot, and the portions were constantly increasing. I could drink three liters of beer or a bottle and a half of wine at a time. And that was on a normal day – on Friday and Saturday I drank more.
2. I drank alcohol almost every day. At first, I began to notice that I could find a reason to drink on any given day. Then, at the end, I just drank every day – and I couldn’t find a reason not to drink.
3. I couldn’t stop at a small portion. Just drinking a couple of bottles of beer or a glass of wine, and that was it, no longer worked. This happened only if I ran out of alcohol – and even then, I would rather go for a supplement than limit myself to this dose.

At some point, I realized that my addiction was a socially acceptable way for me to commit suicide. After all, good boys don’t commit suicide – and so I had the opportunity to use alcohol to painlessly teleport to tomorrow and, as it were, die for a while.

The most paradoxical thing is that at the same time I had a strong fear of death – to the point of panic attacks. When I realized this and looked at it from the outside, how with one hand I was afraid of dying and with the other I was injecting deadly poison into myself, it helped me to reconsider a lot of my behavior.

How I tried to quit (unsuccessfully)

During the entire time I was drinking, I had three or four attempts to quit. I even managed to stay sober for a few months, but I inevitably relapsed.

I’m a fairly rational person, I approach addiction from the point of view of an evidence-based scientific base. I have never tried to quit with the help of “coding” and all sorts of other “hemming and hawing” – it is clear that this is quackery.

What did I do? Everything here is pretty standard: I reduced portions, tried to drink less often, drank less strong alcohol… none of this, of course, worked. Once I went into a “tie”, out of despair, after reading Allen Carr’s book “The Easy Way to Stop Drinking”, but then it lasted me three months.

Now I know that just “stop drinking” is not an option at all, it doesn’t work that way.

This approach to fighting alcoholism is a direct path to breakdowns.

How I tried to quit (and succeeded!)

I think I was lucky: at the very moment when I was close to despair, I learned about Marat Aginyan, a Moscow-based narcologist who adheres to the principles of evidence-based medicine in therapy, which is still rare in narcology.

It was sometime in 2016, when I was actively on Lepra. Marat was writing there about the neurobiology of addiction, how modern science looks at the problem, and how evidence-based medicine proposes to solve it. It seemed close to me. I lived in Kyiv at the time, and it was still impossible to get help online. I contacted Marat and he advised me to read a book by James Prochazky, a professor at the University of Rhode Island. He writes about the psychology of positive change and how to get rid of bad habits. “The Psychology of Positive Change opened my eyes to a lot.

The book describes in detail what stages of change everyone who has managed to change their habits goes through.

There are only five of them:

1. resistance to change (aka denial),
2. reflection,
3. preparation,
4. action, and
5. maintaining the change.

If you don’t skip over the stages and follow their order, behavior changes and new habits take hold. Perhaps the most important stage is reflection: it is where a person gathers motivation, examines the pros and cons of their own behavior, and ideally comes to a decision to change it, which gives them a charge for action. When the reflection is done well, you no longer need to rely on willpower to maintain the change. Other factors will keep you from breaking down: understanding why you decided to change in the first place, in this case, to stop drinking, what a breakdown will lead to, and so on.

The problem with unsuccessful attempts to cope with alcoholism is often that a person jumps from the stage of denial to action – and, of course, it is difficult to stay there for a long time.

Some people succeed, but more often than not, they don’t. Prokhazka cites the following figure in her book: 45% of people who seek professional help to change themselves quit after just a few sessions. The model of positive change developed by him and his colleagues, which they called the transtheoretical model, helped to predict 93% of “failures.” In other words, the reasons why people cannot stop drinking are quite clear to science. And if so, they can be predicted – and avoided – with a special scientific approach to the problem.

I read Prokhazka’s book, but I still failed to return to sobriety on my own. Understanding the problem alone was not enough; I needed to act systematically according to this Instruction. Apparently, I needed someone to structure proven working and understandable tools for fighting addiction for me, so that it was up to me to motivate myself and work.

In 2017, Marat invited me to become a beta tester for the Sober One program: it was using James Prochazka’s transtheoretical model of positive change, as well as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) methods, elements of motivational interviewing, mindfulness, etc. to help addicts.

Sometimes I am even accused of being affiliated with this program, as I talk about it so often – but in fact, it is a sincere admiration for the thing that literally saved my life.

What struck me was that no one in the program forced me to stop drinking right away. On the contrary, I was encouraged to drink as long as I wanted to drink, right up until I decided to stop. It was very unusual – and it worked.

It was good that I had the support of the community – I was added to a chat room where there were addicts like me who were striving for the same goal. And this turned out to be a very important success factor.

How do you stop drinking?

Work with your head. This is a must – you will have to climb into your deepest fears, imagine yourself as an alcoholic under the fence in 10 years, watch heartbreaking films about the consequences of drinking… no one will give you a magic pill after which you will suddenly stop drinking. It is better to forget about this illusion right away.

The effect of the program was quite rapid. At first, I was at the stage of reflection for about a month and decided whether I wanted to continue drinking. A month later, I drank my last drink and continued to work sober for a few more weeks: I studied triggers, thought about how to cope with the desire to “break down”, received support in the chat from those who are going through the same path.

Now I am in a stable remission and have been sober for four years. And for most of those with whom I worked together in the program, the method also helped to cope with their addictions – to alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, and even sweets.

But what about the 12 Steps?

Many people have asked me why I didn’t join Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), an organization that uses the 12 Steps system to fight addictions. I feel good about this system as the only one that worked before modern methods.

My non-choice of this program was situational and emotional. I talked to three people from AA, and all three of them, despite decent periods of sobriety, continued to fight for sobriety “by the skin of their teeth.” Sometimes this is informally called “dry alcoholism”: when cravings persist, but the person constantly overcomes themselves. I think that I was just “unlucky” to meet such AA members, but then it played an emotional role.

AA has clear and vivid advantages – widespread and free. I am sure that it has helped and can help many addicts.

All other common ways of dealing with addiction, except for the 12 Steps, are like plantain and homeopathy for fighting tooth decay, in my skeptical opinion.

How I live without alcohol

You won’t believe it – about the same as I lived with it! Only, of course, without all the accompanying problems.

Having given up drinking, I realized that alcohol is not needed for anything in life at all. It does not help to solve any life problems at all.

Many people are afraid to quit because they don’t know how to solve their psychological problems. For example, to get rid of chronic stress, sadness, depression without alcohol.

Here I have to upset you. Alcohol does not solve any psychological problems, period. This is a fact that I have researched well from personal experience. Alcohol dulls the senses and, if you drink enough, you just teleport into the next day.

But the next morning you wake up with all the same problems you had yesterday – only a hangover and, perhaps, a sense of guilt and shame for “getting drunk again” are added to them.

I’ve been asked, “Lesha, how do you fight the thought in the evenings, ‘Oh, I wish I could have a beer and relax now’? But, to be completely honest, such a thought no longer runs through my head. Because I know that beer will not solve any problems and will not help me relax – at best, it will nail me to the couch. And in general, for me, as an addict, drinking beer will have a lot of disadvantages and no advantages, so I don’t even think about it now.

Let’s say it’s evening, I come home from work and I’m tired – what am I going to do? Well, I can make an appointment and go for a massage, go to a workout, take a bath, turn on a TV series – in general, I do everything that a normal tired person does, except drink alcohol. If I don’t have the energy for sports or even a TV show, I just go to bed – but I don’t drink.

How to stop drinking and not lose friends

Because alcoholism is a biopsychosocial problem, of course, I had to face some socialization challenges in the early days. We all have certain patterns of behavior: for example, you always drink when you meet these friends, and at a digital party it’s hard to imagine yourself without a glass in your hand, and this can become a factor in a breakdown.

So at first, I had to do a lot of work. First, I identified the triggers: what exactly in this social situation can make me want to drink? Then I thought about the steps I would take in response to each trigger so as not to break down.

Now, three years later, I don’t have to “cope” with the urge to drink at a party. During this time, I have already attended a bunch of corporate events, conferences, work meetings that smoothly flow into doodle, birthdays, and so on – and my patterns have already changed. I can be perfectly fine in the company of drunk people, dancing and having fun with them – I just don’t drink alcohol.

An important point is that an addict like me always has a risk of relapse. Scientists are still trying to figure out whether there may come a point after which an addict is considered “cured” and can therefore drink a little without the risk of relapsing into alcoholism. So far, there is no consensus.

So it is safer for the addict to believe that “there are no former alcoholics”. After all, one of the main risks of a breakdown is precisely the idea that you are cured and now you have no risk of a breakdown. I decided for myself that it is better to always be surrounded by people who support you, in my case it is a chat room of accomplices.

Not only have I not encountered a reaction like “ahh, come on, let’s have a drink” – no, quite the opposite. When people see that I don’t drink alcohol at a party where everyone else is drinking, they might ask me why. And I answer honestly: “Because I’m an alcoholic,” and I’m not ashamed of it. And then the amazing thing happens – people look at me not only without judgment, but also with interest or even some envy.

Has your life changed after giving up alcohol?

Yes and no. I can’t say that my life has changed dramatically. On the one hand, no: I just returned to normal and stopped killing myself, destroying my body and my life. But on the other hand, I have experienced and accomplished so much in four sober years that I would not have done while drinking.

Sobriety is not some kind of bonus, it is the basic state of the body. On the contrary, the influence of alcohol is an “anti-bonus”.

I removed this influence. My life hasn’t magically changed, but now I can build it from a position of normality.

Without alcohol, I looked inside myself and my problems. With the help of specially trained specialists, I discovered that I had dysthymia. It’s like depression, but not in episodes, but for many years. I found a therapy and finally, for six months, I have been in a real normal state, in which many people live for nothing. And this is already heaven and earth compared to the pair “dysthymia + alcohol dependence”.

It is important to understand that simply giving up alcohol will not make you happy. This is not a pass to the world of unicorns and rainbows. Whether you spend your free time and resources on self-development or kill it watching TV shows is up to you. But at least you won’t be making this decision from a state of addiction.

For three years now, I have been developing my career in a new direction, and I enjoy it, despite the difficulties. I trained a lot after I stopped drinking – I lost 16 kg, then gained a little again, but overall I am in much better physical shape. I sleep better and recover better, and I haven’t killed half a day with a hangover for a long time.

In general, I live an ordinary life of a person who does not drink alcohol and does not try to kill himself. This life has its joys and its difficulties. But I can say with certainty: it is better and easier to solve any problems – regardless of the amount of resources, the severity of these problems, the presence of depression, and so on – from sobriety than from a state of dependence.

Recommendations for those who want to stop drinking

I can recommend two main books that changed my attitude towards myself and addiction. First, it is, of course, James Prokhazka’s “The Psychology of Positive Change. How to Get Rid of Bad Habits Forever” – it helps to get on the path of change to a greater extent. Secondly, this is the book “Staying Sober – A Guide to Preventing a Breakdown” by Terence Gorski – it is more important at the stages of action and maintaining change, when you need to avoid relapse and achieve sustainable sobriety.

Here is a rough plan of action that should help you:

1. Observe. Try to understand whether there is a problem or not.
2. Understand what you want and why. Reduce your use? Quit for good? Stay one, two or three months in trial sobriety and evaluate your feelings?
3. Stock up on knowledge: write down the pros and cons of using, record your triggers, read about scientifically proven ways to fight cravings.
4. Enlist the support of your family, sober friends, or those who are also trying to cope with addiction.
5. Do not be afraid! The idea that people don’t change is outdated. Many people have successfully coped with their problem and live in quality sobriety – they did it, so you can too.

I repeat once again – there is no advantage to drinking alcohol. If you think there are advantages, don’t believe these thoughts – it’s a self-deception of your addicted brain. It is scared to give up the substance to which it is so accustomed – this is normal.

Attempts to quit drinking often fail precisely because you do it too abruptly – and your brain keeps telling you why it would be a good idea to drink today. You have to gradually come to the realization that you don’t need alcohol – these books and Sober One helped me with this.

If the thought has ever occurred to you that you may have a problem with alcohol, then you most likely do.

And the last thing: at the first stage, it’s better not to think about fighting addiction in terms of “quitting drinking”. When we say “quit,” it is assumed that we must give up something valuable – and the brain will resist this. In addition, the wording is wrong, because there is nothing valuable about alcohol.

Instead, think of yourself as returning to a state of high-quality, stable sobriety – you’ve already spent your childhood and part of your youth in it, and you can get there again.

Alexey K.